either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
