proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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