I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
