I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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