gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
