he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
