he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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