I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
