How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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