So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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