I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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