I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
