so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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