if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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