i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
time to smoke my breakfast
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
