Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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