I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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