I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
