The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
