I just made out with a guy for $7.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
