On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
