3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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