My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
