I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
