I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
