it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
