Will you blow on my dice?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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