i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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