im drinking this country out of the recession.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
And then he peed in my hair
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