I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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