Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
