wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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