She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
