I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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