im about as happy as oj after his trial
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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