the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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