I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
