Can i not drive my cunt home
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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