MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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