It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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