Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My cat gives me a boner
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
