I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
