my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
