Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
