I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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