then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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