why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
