A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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