Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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