She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
